Salamat, Year 2020

Life has no rewind button.

Two weeks ago, someone left a comment on one of my posts. A man worried about a friend of his. He wrote, “this is why I keep telling you to rest. I do not want you to end up in the hospital like she did. So hardworking, so goal-oriented, you forgot yourself.”

When I read it, I felt sad and bitter.

I asked the women on my team. I call them the queens. Apart from AJ, they are the ones I talk to almost every day.

I asked them, “Did I let myself go this year?”

One of them said, “Before, honestly, yes. But you have improved. Significantly. That is what matters. There are also many factors. You cannot pin it on the freelance work alone.”

Now we are at the end of 2020.

If I asked myself, “Did you waste your year 2020?” If I asked, “If 2020 could be rewound, would you do the same things?” I would say no. Even though my brain bled. Even though I struggled. I would still answer: I gave it my best.

I understand why you keep counting what you did not finish this year. I have been there. But hear me. The year asked many things of me at the same time.

The growing of the page. The studying to become a real expert in social media marketing. The passing of the Facebook certification. The managing of the community. The free one-on-one coaching every week. The sharing of my knowledge every week. The wedding planning. The moving of houses and the turning of a page in my life. The work on countless projects and tasks for clients.

And all of this while I wrestled with this sickly body.

I did not live this year perfectly. I lived it the best I could.

I lost sleep. I got tired. I got sick. I struggled. That is what happens when you are fighting for something.

When the pain in my brain is intense, I think things like, “What if this is as far as I go?”

In every severe pain, I am reminded that this life has a limit. “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

If the Lord says your time is up, your time is up.

It is grace from the Lord that we are still breathing. We are not among the thousands who did not survive COVID. For me, it is grace from the Lord that the bleed in my brain was not in a dangerous spot.

Yes, we cannot perfect how we live. We will get hurt and get hurt. We will struggle and struggle. We will make mistakes and make mistakes. We will die and die.

But the worst thing is to waste the time we have right now. To waste a year because we did not give it our best.

Yes, we need to be careful. We need to take care of ourselves. I am still learning to take care of mine, because I have always been sick. I am learning to be grateful to the people in our lives who never get tired of reminding us.

But just because we are sick, or have problems, or have limits, does not mean we cannot dream.

You cannot live as a defeated person. You cannot live as if you have no choice to change your life.

Do not be afraid to live for your dream, and for the dreams of other people.

The idea of “you wasted the life God gave you,” that is what scares me. More than death, that is my fear. To waste a life.

On the other hand, we know our lives are not wasted, because through all the joy and all the pain and all the disasters, we love the Lord and the people around us. It is not perfect, but it is our best.

In the end, the Lord looks at the heart. Whether He is what fills you, or the world. Whether your love is real, or you have not been true.

So even though life has no rewind button, and even though we will make mistakes, in this short time we are alive, in every morning we have, we do our best.

It is not about perfection. It is about direction.

A new year is coming. More than a comfortable life, I am praying that it will be filled with courage and hope and colored by love.

Whatever 2021 brings, we will always rejoice. We will always pray. We will always give thanks for the life God has given us.

For the glory of God.

- Lala