100 Months With AJ

The first twenty years of my life was a dark empty room.

It is late tonight. I am writing this with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. Tonight is one hundred months with AJ.

For the first twenty years of my life, the voice in my head asked the same questions on repeat. It kept saying things like:

“Why did God give me this sickness?”

“Did God make a mistake when He created me?”

“Am I just a mistake?”

“Am I supposed to live a difficult life and just die?”

I grew up in a poor family. That was already hard. But living with yellow skin and a weak body on top of it made me really bitter. I was angry at God for two decades. I did not have the language to tell anyone. Not even Him.

If you have been angry at God for a long time, I have been there.

But God worked in my life in surprising ways. I was faithless. He still reached me in the darkest places.

He sent AJ.

AJ has seen and loved me in every season and every color of my life. The seasons that were dark. The colors that were bitter. The seasons no one else could see. He stayed and fought with me. He has held my hand since day one. He has taken care of me when my body could not take care of itself.

He has been one of God’s instruments to completely heal the bitterness in my heart. We have made many mistakes. We are not perfect. We are both sinners. But God is powerful and merciful. Our journey has been full of uncertainties. He has been with us in every one.

Tonight is one hundred months. Achievement unlocked.

“Love is patient.” That is what Paul wrote. I did not understand it until AJ stayed with me through twenty years of unanswered questions and a body that kept failing.

If you are in a hard season tonight, do not let it take the joy in your heart. Cry, yes. But channel the tears toward the only One who can hold them. Before you sleep, name one person God sent to stay with you. Just one. That is enough for tonight.

It is not about perfection. It is about direction.

For the glory of God.

— Lala