My Bleeding Brain and My Hopeful Heart
Cerebral Cavernous Malformation. My brain bled in 2019 and bled again this year. This is what I learned about brakes, about presence, and about the family the Lord placed beside me.
My brain bled in 2019. It bled again this year.
Cerebral Cavernous Malformation is the name. An abnormal blood vessel that bleeds inside my brain. This past week the headaches have been severe. The dizziness comes and goes. Sometimes I lose my balance.
What if one night, everything stops being normal?
The simple act of standing, you can no longer do. The familiar comfort of lying down, you no longer feel. When the pain in your head feels like being pummeled with concrete, there is nothing left to do but cry. Endure. Wait for it to end.
Even when you want to cry hard, you cannot. The people in the house will wake up.
Then the mind starts speaking.
“This is your fault.”
“You do not take care of yourself.”
“You keep staying up late.”
“Instead of resting properly, you do all kinds of things.”
You cannot stop it, and from the mind it moves to the mouth. “This is my fault.”
I have something to say to you if this is you. I have been there.
I understand why you wear yourself out. Yes, part of it is on us, because we do not take care of ourselves well. But I also know it is because you want to be there for the people you love. You forget yourself in the loving.
I want to hug you tight. I want to cry next to you. I want to hold your hand and say, “It is normal to make mistakes. It is normal to be tired.”
I was the same.
There is so much I want to do in this life that I always need someone to put the brakes on me.
AJ. My family. The SWAHG family. They are the ones who slow me down.
“Sleep already. That can wait until tomorrow.”
“Relax for now.”
“Rest, Ms La.”
Maybe you are like me. When you are focused on finishing something, you will finish it, even if your body is begging you to stop.
But sometimes we need brakes in life. Especially when our earthly body was not made for severe battles. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we do not have to chase everything, because what is meant for us is for us. What we need is to always be ready to fight when the right battle comes.
Why not push past the body?
Because when you are in force mode just to finish something, the output is not good anyway.
My best work has never come from a frantic mind. It comes from a quiet one. The good outputs come because I was inspired, not because I was depleted. Quality over quantity.
Live your life. Be present in every moment. You can do that even with many things to do. You just have to be ready to fight and ready to rest.
This is where I am learning to see my limits differently. The headache that pins me to the bed is not only a punishment for poor habits. It is also a kind of mercy. My body is telling the truth my pride will not say. I am not God. I am dust that He loves. Rest is not laziness when the Lord Himself rested. Stewardship of this body, the only one He gave me, is obedience too.
The people who push you to dream and to not be afraid, they are also the people who will tell you when to slow down. In the end, they are the ones the Lord placed in your life. You do not have to be perfect. You can dream and you can make mistakes.
I am thankful that alongside my loved ones, the SWAHG team is among the people the Lord placed in my path.
If you are in a hard season tonight, do not let the pain take from you the love that is already around you. Before you sleep, name one person who reminds you to slow down. They are not an accident. They are God’s brakes on a life He is not finished with yet.
For the glory of God.
- Lala